Feel The Silence
by aswiftlytiltingreality
Summary: Change is always for the better. Post BDM, spoilers, cannon pairings...for now.
1. Better

**I own nothing.**

_Okay, so I don't know whether or not to make ihis into a chapter story or leave it as is. This is the one instance where it's really up to you, the reader._

* * *

Everybody was broke, couldn't be fixed. 'Acourse, Mal figured that was the way of it when you went through something like they had. They'd finally won the war, but the cost was bit steep. Things was different, a little too quiet. Mal liked the quiet most days, but even that kind of quiet was suffocatin' and unsettlin'. They fixed Serenity, taking care to do their best work, but things were still off. The quiet refused to dissipate, turning into a deafening silence that no one could shake. No matter how much they tried to cover it with words and laughter, it was always there. Once the chatter died down, the quiet would settle in and take over and drain whatever warm fuzzies they'd managed to drudge up and smother them to death. There weren't no hope of ever gettin' past it.

It wasn't until they were a week's time away from Persephone that Jayne cornered Mal near the infirmary. Mal had seen it comin', but he'd been hopin' it wouldn't happen.

"Think it's time I moved on, Mal," Jayne had explained with what was supposed to have been a nonchalant shrug, but the weariness of it spoke otherwise. "This whole set up..." Jayne shook his head in an almost sad manner. "Ain't fer me, ya know?"

Mal nodded, his throat feelin' dry, raw. "Always thought maybe when you left it'd be fer a better payin' job."

"Me too," Jayne said quietly, "but ain't nothin' in life ever turned out the way we 'xpected it."

"No, s'pose not."

Maybe it was the idea that Jayne was leavin' without turnin' on him that hurt him so, made him so vulnerable, but when River looked up at him with sad, regretful eyes, and he knew he was really gonna need a new pilot, Mal felt close to tears.

"I need to be on my own," she stuttered out, trying hard not to let Mal's hurt look weaken her resolve. "I know you know I'm not a child, but I need to know it. I'll know it better when I stop endangering everybody and when..."

"S'okay, River, but what about Simon?"

She smiled fondly then. "He has Kaylee now. You could say he finally realized he was an adult. Besides, he knows now."

Mal smiled ruefully. "He has grown up quite nicely."

They smiled fondly at one another. "You're a good Captain, good father, too."

Mal cleared his throat and looked away. "Yeah, well, I do what's best, ya know, for the crew...everybody."

River nodded in understanding and Mal patted her shoulder.

Jayne and River waited until everyone was sleeping to leave, Mal standing on the catwalks above them. Jayne nodded to Mal and River tried to smile at him, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. Jayne grinned down at her. "How'd you know I was leavin'?"

"Didn't," she said, barely above a whisper, "I'm leaving, too."

Jayne raised an eyebrow, surprised, but nodded his understanding. "Well."

He stuck out his hand to her and she rolled her eyes before standing on tiptoe to wrap her arms around his neck. Jayne tensed and River hugged him tighter. "Doesn't seem right to not hug you. You were family. You _are_ family."

Jayne hesitated before he hugged her back. "Yeah, guess yer right."

"I promise not to shoot at you if we ever cross paths," she joked as they pulled apart and Jayne snorted in amusement. "Guess I could promise the same."

Mal had to look away for a moment. Trust them two to put away their differences the minute they wasn't gonna have to be 'round each other no more. They gathered up their belongings and nodded goodbye in unison at Mal one last time before heading off ship. Mal watched them disappear into the dark before closing up the bay and heading back to the bridge. The ship felt even more empty than before and Mal swallowed past the niggling feeling that River had created in him before he finally gave up and admitted she was right. They were family.

* * *

"You know, the whole point of my leaving was to be out on my own."

"I know, but ya shouldn't be out here at night all by yer lonesome. Get too many on ya, ain't gonna be able ta get out of it."

River nodded. Even she could be outnumbered. "Well, maybe we should find some place to sleep for the night then. Or we could start looking for work now-"

"We ain't stayin' together. Din't leave ta hang 'round you, neither." River rolled her eyes at him and followed him as he turned and headed for the nearest bar. He tossed a couple credits down on the bar and began talking to the barkeep about getting two rooms and River swept the bar with her eyes. The atmosphere was hazy with smoke and alive with raucious laughter from the colorful patrons that staggered about drunkenly.

"Want a drink?" Jayne asked. She shrugged. "As long as it doesn't taste too terrible."

Jayne grunted in response and River watched in fascination as the men at a not too faraway table tried desperately to form coherent sentences while attempting to identify both she and Jayne, who they believed looked very familiar. Jayne handed her a large mug full of beer and a room key, frowning. "Only had one room, but luckily it had two single beds."

River and Jayne downed their drinks quickly, the former making a particularly sour face before they headed up to the room. River turned back to look at the table and noticed an overly large man with an overly scruffy beard. The word "sasquatch" popped into her mind and she frowned, shaking her head. She unlocked the door and pushed it open. The room was small and dingy just like the bar downstairs. However, it smelled clean and that was enough for her. She tossed her stuff down just inside the door and moved into the room. They turned their backs to one another, Jayne waiting for River to slip into her nightgown before they got into their separate beds. The beds groaned and the springs squeaked as both squirmed around in the beds for a good while trying to find a comfortable position on the lumpy mattresses.

"Why is it, that even though this is a fairly prosperous planet, everything on it is cheap?"

"Beats me," Jayne groaned happily when he found a sweet spot on the mattress and sank down into it. "Kinda always wondered it myself."

River hummed in response and Jayne snorted before he too fell asleep.

It was with stiff necks and sore joints when the pair woke just before the crack of dawn and stumbled into the bar, both yawning. Jayne cracked his neck and River rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

"You pay since I paid fer the room an' drinks."

River nodded and ordered them some breakfast, a triple order for Jayne. They settled down in a back booth. Jayne sprawled out on the side opposite River and scowled at the patrons. "Ain't a one person in this place don't look more than a little lowdown, dirty an' mighty deceivin'. No way we're gonna find even half decent work. Goodbye, ten percent."

"At least you got ten percent," River muttered into her coffee. "All I got was seven."

"Seven? Why only seven?"

"Because I was crazy most of the time and also because I was considered to be too young to be earning my own wages."

Jayne made a face. River grinned lopsidedly at his expression and he grinned in response. They fell into an awkward silence and Jayne drummed his fingers on the table, looking everywhere he could to avoid looking back at her. River stared down at her empty plate. "Do you think we'll be happy?"

"Huh?" Jayne asked, startled. River shrugged. "We've been on Serenity for so long and it just seems strange that we'll no longer be with them anymore."

Jayne nodded and grinned jauntily in afterthought. "S'long as we got coin, our own bunks, an' we don't get killed, I think we'll be happy."

River nodded. He was right. It was all that really mattered now that she had left. She bit her lip and fidgeted. "Are you going to write to them?"

Jayne's eyebrows shot up and his brow furrowed in consideration. He hadn't thought about that. "Are you?"

River looked down and away. "I haven't decided. If I write, Simon may come looking for me."

"You gonna be okay on yer own? I mean, I know you can handle yerself an' all, but gonna be a lot harder fer you then me 'cause you ain't intimidating."

River shrugged. "I don't know. I just need to be on my own. I need to be able to make my own choices and take care of myself." She smiled softly to herself. "It will be nice not having to worry about the others."

Jayne nodded in silent agreement. There was another long, awkward silence before Jayne finally spoke. "You're alright, River. Think you'll do jus' fine."

* * *

Simon wasn't sure how he felt. He wasn't sure if he should be feeling so relieved, if he should be more worried than he actually was. He had always known that he and River would separated once more, but he had always thought he would be more upset. It wasn't just because of his relationship with Kaylee; no. It was something more. It hadn't even been the constant medical attention River had once required that had been more than physically and emotionally draining. No, it was that he now had the ability to think selfishly for once. It was no longer about River or about Kaylee. He could finally focus on one thing at a time and not the myriad of problems that came along with every single everyday occurrence. He could focus on Kaylee without feeling he was neglecting River or himself. He could focus on bettering himself the way he knew River was. It was why she had left. He cared so much and so little. He needed to find the medium and that was why he was relieved. It was why he was so worried. Once you found that medium, there was really nothing left to do.

Kaylee understood why River and Jayne left. She would have if it hadn't been for her love of Serenity. Things were just too crowded and there were too many questions, but the whirring of the engine tended to drown it out and made it okay. River had often said she was an extension of the engine. It was why Kaylee was always so happy. She was always working on herself, making herself into something better, something pure, something true. Kaylee understood that River and Jayne needed to be fixed, that they weren't completely broken. They were just missing some parts that needed to be found and welded back together. Kaylee knew that she an Mal were the least broken of them all. So long as Serenity ran, the two of them would never need much fixing and so, she went about her job as she had everyday because it was what she wanted and it was what Serenity wanted,

Mal still had his battle scars. They just weren't visible. He had fought to protect freedom. Freedom was the reason River and Jayne left and he was proud of them for it. River needed to be on her own, be her own person. Jayne needed to be able to do what he did without conscience and Serenity had kept him from doing so. Serenity wasn't Jayne or River's freedom. She was his. While he loved Inara, he was in love with Serenity and that meant more. While Inara was a dove, Serenity was an eagle; big and proud, strong and loyal. Serenity was all he needed to make him a better man and he knew it. It was enough.

Zoe wouldn't become a better woman if it weren't for her man's dinosaurs. Wash had been what made her good; he was what made everyone good. With him gone, Zoe had felt lost. She was still bitter, still angry at Mal for getting her and her man into this. Still, whenever she was on the bridge, she could look at those dinosaurs and they would ground her. They helped her remember the small things that were now so momentous, so precious, and so missed. Serenity may have been Mal's ship, but the bridge was Wash's. It was common knowledge on the ship whose domain it was. It would always remain that way. Zoe didn't cry in her mourning, she laughed. She laughed when she recalled Wash having told her he wanted everyone dressed in costumes at his funeral. He'd even specifically requested that Jayne where a bear costume and play the mandolin. Simon was to be dressed as a rabbit and play the tambourine. Zoe wished she could remember the rest, but she hadn't really heard him at the time because she had laughed so hard. The dinosaurs were her reminder.

They left for the freedom, but they left for something else, something undefinable. Just a feeling. While River was just beginning to feel it, Jayne had always felt it. It'd just gotten more oppressive as time went on. That was why he left Serenity. When you got to be his age, about ready to fall face first into forty in a few years time, and you still had that little voice hovering in the back of your head telling you there was something more when you had seen and done everything-admittedly had everything you should want-it was time to scramble to find it. At first he had chalked it up to having itchy feet and needing a change of scene, but he'd felt that way since coming aboard Serenity. Every time, he thought it was gone, that he'd solved everything, the voice would pop up and whisper in his ear about how much time he was wasting how young he wasn't getting. That voice, that something more, was the reason he needed to regain his freedom. If there was something out there waiting for him, it was the only way he was going to find it.

River had been Simon's little, crazy mei-mei for so long, she couldn't remember when she had stopped defining herself as River Tam and began defining herself as Simon's mei-mei. Then she had become the mei-mei, the little girl lost and things had become stunted. Kaylee was the girlie girl, Zoe the warrior woman-Valkyrie, Inara the vixen. What was she? A mei-mei. Kaylee was a mei-mei, but she wasn't called such every time she was mentioned as River was. It took watching the men of the crew around the other women for her to realize she had become something inanimate almost. It wasn't their fault, she had let them categorize her as such on accident. When their thoughts had melded with hers, she had thought them all to be hers. Mal made her into his daughter-another little girl lost. Always a little girl, but never a girl, never a woman. Then she was an assassin, a killer. Inanimate once more. If anyone was going to turn her back into a girl, a woman, it would be her. She needed to not be restricted, classified. She did her best problem-solving on her own after all.

Inara was hurt. They had been so changed when she had returned. They were united, as a family and she was merely there on invite. It didn't matter that she had come back to them, Jayne had left. River had left. And no one seemed to find anything wrong with that. "Doing what they had to do," was what everyone excluding herself had deemed it. Nobody was in need of finding themselves. Why would anyone run away from family? Inara would have killed for one of her own. But she had no real purpose on Serenity. Every time something had broken, she couldn't fix it. Every time someone was hurt, she couldn't heal them. Every time they veered off course, she couldn't steer them. Every time someone needed to be saved, she could only pray they were. Every time someone needed guidance, she couldn't give it. Because she was in need of it all.

* * *

A/N: Okay, so this really has nothing to do with the affects of Miranda on the crew, per se, but with each individuals growth as a whole. Also, whether or not I continue this, is really up to you, the reader. Please review with a yay or nay.


	2. Stuck

**I own nothing. **

_All I got was yays, so this will be continued for the duration. I hope you like it._

* * *

River had remained silent the entire time Monty had been talking. Monty, who had in fact been the "Sasquatch" River had identified from the night before had come over to talk to Jayne, having recognized him. When Monty offered Jayne a job on his crew, Jayne shook his head. "Thinkin' it's about time ta head home, ya know?"

River's head shot up and she studied Jayne. Jayne pointed at her, ignoring her curious gaze, "Now, her, she's a good shot an' smarter'n'hell. Get you out of a mess 'fore you even know yer in one."

"That so?"

River turned her attention to the table from which Monty had come. They were five men there staring at her, curious and very aware of her feminine attributes. She turned back to Monty and Jayne suddenly. They were staring at her expectantly. "You want the job? Yer own bunk, ten percent to start. More if you prove yer worth it."

River blinked. It was a good offer, but...the men. She wasn't sure she was quite ready for the constant attention. Sure, she'd have her own bunk, but she couldn't stay there forever. Ten percent plus more if she was good at what she did. "Okay," she said with one final look at the table. Jayne followed her gaze. "Awful rough lookin' bunch."

"Yeah, but they're good fer the most part."

"So, where you headed?"

"Santos first an' then on ta Verbena."

"My family's on Verbena." River opened her mouth to inform Monty that Jayne was in fact lying when Jayne shot her a look that clearly stated "I am doing you a huge favor an' myself a major disservice" and she promptly shut her mouth. "Think maybe it'd be alright if I tagged along an' helped on yer jobs. Be nice ta bring home some coin ta the folks an' younguns."

Jayne winked at her then and River tried hard not to smile. Monty frowned. "Ain't got but two passenger dorms on my boat and theys full up."

"He can stay in my bunk," River shrugged nonchalantly. Jayne grinned and Monty nodded. "Don't see a problem with it."

Monty headed back to his table and River smiled thankfully at Jayne. Jayne chuckled, "Like I'd really leave ya 'lone with a scruffy bunch like that. 'Sides, by the time I'm gone, they're gonna know you ain't one ta try an' get hands on with."

"Verbena will be a hard place to find work on," River said quietly. Jayne shrugged. "Managed ta dig myself out of a hole a time 'er two. I'll do it again."

"Well, thank you."

Jayne rolled his eyes and waved her off. "Makin' you sleep on the floor fer this."

* * *

It was a complete and total role reversal. She had always been right and he had always been wrong. Things had changed so much while she had been away that she hadn't really noticed the subtle interactions of the crew until she mentally catelogged them in her memory, going over them as she lay in bed trying to find sleep. She had always been able to sleep before, but now it was hard to come by. But Mal was right now. She couldn't argue that things should go back to the way things were. She tried, but she never won because Mal was right; change was inevitable. There was nothing they could do to stop it and there was nothing they could do to change how they were. The changes themselves ate at her most.

Mal and Simon still fought, but more in a brotherly sort of fashion. Even in the midst of an argument, it somehow didn't seem as though it was about winning or losing, just verbal barbs for the sheer pleasure of it all. She had caught them one time berating Jayne over shots of sake late one night and Simon had said with a rueful smile, "I'm gonna miss him. Even if he was an untrained Ape."

"Yeah, he wasn't all that bad."

"No, he really wasn't."

Kaylee had mentioned Jayne and Simon had become somewhat friends before Miranda. Even during the whole of it, they'd still been able to remain civil.

Kaylee seemed happier, too. Not in an overstated way, just happier. She seemed perfectly happy with what Inara perceived to be Simon's ambivalent approach to he and Kaylee's relationship. However, this approach seemed to work. Simon was far from uptight. He made jokes at the other's expense without them being colored with acidic sarcasm as they had been. The day Mal and Zoe took Simon on a job was the day Inara realized just how much they had grown. Simon proved to be quite the criminal while under pressure. He'd talked the buyers out of turning on them and managed to score another job out of the buyer without having to take much of a pay cut.

Zoe and Mal were still the same in regards to one another. They still had their war buddy bond, but they were opening up more to Kaylee and Simon. It wasn't just surface politeness and niceties. There were inside jokes and pointed shared glances. Mal taught Zoe how to better fly the boat so she could share in the piloting duties. Zoe took a few unneeded bullets for her captain in return and taught Simon how to cook when he taught her how to repair a bullet wound with surgical precision in case he was ever the one who needed operating on. Mal taught Kaylee to shoot and Kaylee taught him how to fix the engine if anything ever happened and he would have to be the one to do it.

Inara was the only one who wasn't taught anything-would she have cared enough to know? No, not really. But it was the being included in it all that she cared about. All she could really do was make them tea and hope they let her in on their little jokes. She was even hoping, waiting for Mal to one day ask her if she would give up her "whoring" and join in on their life of high stakes crime. She would say yes, for him, for them, but he won't ask and she won't offer.

* * *

"Jayne, though I find these women to be very attractive, I can safely say women such as these are unobtainable because they do not exist."

Jayne peeked his head up to the top bunk and snatched the magazine out of her hands. "They are, too. Jus' look at those," he said, pointing to the centerfold in the magazine. "Can't tell me that if you was sly you wouldn't wanna touch on those."

"It is highly improbable that woman's breasts, without the assistance of augmentative surgery would...defy gravity in such a manner as hers." She rolled onto her back and tilted her head to look at him upside down. "And if I were indeed sly, I would not want a woman with artificial mammaries as I have standards. I have hypothesized that the real reason men are so attracted to women with large mammaries is because of their subconscious linking large mammaries with the survival of their progeny due to the over abundance of sustenance provided by said mammaries."

"I have no idea what you just said."

River rolled her eyes. "Suppose you had twins."

"Okay..."

"Babies require breast milk for food, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, who would you rather have nursing your offspring? A woman with small breasts or a woman with large breasts?"

"The large ones, a'course."

"I rest my case." She smirked. "I should also like to make it clear that in this instance, size does not matter."

"So, they don't make more?" Jayne stared down at the picture. "Huh, talk about bad advertising."

"What does it matter so long as your mate functions properly," River asked rhetorically, shrugging her shoulders. "I think she has a pretty face."

"River, men don't buy mags like this just ta look at a woman's face," Jayne snorted, disappearing into the bunk under hers. River leaned over the edge of her bed and lowered her head further to get a better look at him. "I know what porn is used for, Jayne, I'm not stupid-or crazy."

"Jus' sayin'," Jayne muttered, tossing the magazine on the floor, "now all I can think of is how big boobs ain't any better than small ones. Thanks a lot."

"If they're bigger there's more to play with," River laughed and he glared at her. "Please don't say things like that."

She disappeared back onto her bed. "I was just trying to help you to regain your affection for large breasted women. Your carnal adoration for them will return in a couple days, I promise. Read a gun magazine or something."

"Wanna play cards?"

"We just played cards."

"I'm bored."

"Not my problem."

River stretched out on her bunk and and absentmindedly ran her fingers through her hair as she read the large volume of poetry she had purchased while still aboard Serenity. The mattress shifted as more weight was put onto it and River turned to find its source. Jayne had pulled himself up over the side of her bunk and was currently leaning over her shoulder to see her book. He whistled low and River felt her face redden. "Who needs porn when they got sex poems!"

"Jayne, shut up."

"Can I borrow that when you're done?"

"No!"

"Then can I read it over your shoulder?"

"No!"

The weight lifted off her bed and she heard Jayne grumble bellow her as he settled on his bed. She tried hard not to smirk and continued to read her book, ignoring Jayne as he shifted in his bed several times. River shifted on her bunk and one of the springs made a popping noise. It was silent for a moment before they both burst out laughing.

"Still can't believe you popped that little shit right in the kisser," Jayne chuckled below her. River bit her lip to keep from giggling harder. "I still can't believe it sounded like that."

They fell into silence again before River heard Jayne snort. She closed her book and leaned over the side. Jayne's face was a bright shade of purple as he fought to breathe and he was now making choking sounds. River shimmied off the edge of her bed and dropped to the floor. "Jayne, not again!"

"I-I-can't," he wheezed and snorted again, "his face! Oh Buddha, I ain't never seen nothin' so funny in all my Gorramn life!"

Jayne began to wheeze harder as he laughed and River slapped him hard on the back. "And Monty! Dear God, he about spat out his protein all over the ruttin' table."

"At least he didn't blow hot tea out his nose like you." River tried hard not to laugh at the embarrassed look on his face. Jayne tried to scowl, but failed miserably when he remembered the way River had shot out of her chair and slammed her fist into the pilot's face from across the table after the third dirty hand gesture he had made toward her. "I couldn't help it, the look on your face an' then-an' he was on the floor an' lookin' 'round tryin' ta figure out why he was on the floor with a broke nose!"

Jayne resumed laughing more hysterically, "I mean, if you'da saw it, you would be laughin' just as hard."

River rolled her eyes and shook her head. "You are so immature."

"You was laughin' 'bout it, too."

River sighed and hopped back up onto her bed. "I'm going to sleep now."

"So, you gonna pop Monty if he ever tries ta get fresh with ya?"

"Goodnight, Jayne," River said firmly as she snapped off her light. There was another snort and she groaned, throwing back her covers and preparing to jump down to help her gasping friend, "Jayne, not again!"

* * *

"Hey, I got a letter from River!"

"Yeah, me too."

"Think we all got one, Kaylee," Mal said as he watched Kaylee tear open her letter with an excited squeal. "Dear, Kaylee," she read with another squeal, "I have found good work with a respectable Captain, though I find my other crew mates to be less than tolerable. The Captain lets me do anythin' that needs doin'. Sometimes I work on the engine and some times I help move cargo. Mostly, I go out on jobs. Lately I have been piloting as I broke the pilot's nose for making rude gestures at me during dinner. Jayne-he's only staying until we get to Verbena-thought it was hilarious an' now every time a bed spring pops-" Kaylee shot Mal and Simon a surprised look. "They wasn't...you know, was they?"

"Finish the letter. Bound to be an explanation," Mal said calmly.

Kaylee raised an unsure eyebrow and continued, "-he laughs about it because that was the sound my fist made when I hit the pilot in the nose. I'm glad Jayne was nice enough to stay with me for now as the men aboard the ship, Captain excluded, have gotten it into their heads that I find their lack of personal hygeine appealin'. Also, havin' Jayne 'round is nice 'cause he's good company. We spend most of our time in our bunk playin' cards or readin'. Though we ain't got no passengers on the ship, the passenger dorms-there's only two of 'em- are used fer storin' some of the cargo we just got, so Jayne sleeps in the bed below mine in the bunk. I always wanted to sleep in the top bunk of a bunk bed an' now I get to. It's not as exciting as I thought it would be. There's a rail to put up when I go to sleep so I don't have to worry 'bout bein' thrown outta bed when we're attacked by someone. That hasn't happened yet, which is a relief. Jayne gets off in next port an' I must say I will miss him. However, I won't miss havin' to smack him on the back to get him to breathe again when he gets into one of his laughing fits. However, the shade of purple he turns is fascinating. I don't remember ever seeing someone laugh as hard as he did when I punched the pilot. It happened over a month ago an' he still has 'bout two or three fits over it a day. He keeps askin' me to punch the mechanic, but there is no need as the first day aboard the ship he tried to kiss me an'...suffice it to say, Jayne made sure he knew I didn't want him kissin' me, ever.

I will write to everyone again once I know we are close to port. I miss you, Kaylee. Love, River. P.S. Don't tell Captain about me an' Jayne bunkin' together as he may not take it too well even though Jayne has not made one pass at me an' nothin' sexual has occurred."

Mal rolled his eyes. "Girl's always thinkin' I'm gonna make a fuss."

"You do always make a fuss," Simon laughed, "Jayne doesn't think of River that way and we all know it, but you have a penchant for overreacting."

Mal punched Simon in the arm and pointed his finger at him. "What did I say 'bout makin' me look bad in front of people?"

"That it made me look brave and manly?"

"Even with them two gone, I get no respect. I'm the Gorramn Captain, people."

"And a fine Captain you are!" Mal patted Simon on the back as the crew gathered up their mail and wandered about the skyplex. Inara glared at the back of Mal's head.

"Somethin' wrong, 'Nara?"

She smiled at the mechanic reassuringly. "Nothing, it's just that I can't believe Mal is okay with River and Jayne being gone. Especially with how close you've all gotten since I left."

Kaylee nodded. "We all kinda understood. River didn't get a chance ta grow up an' be who she is an' Jayne was jus'...I dunno, diff'rent. They both was. I mean, we all changed, but they had more changin' that needed doin', I guess. Kinda hurt that they didn't say goodbye 'er nothin', but they know we would've tried ta talk 'em inta stayin' so I don't blame them."

Inara frowned. "I just don't understand."

"Maybe, ya just ain't a fan of things changin'." Kaylee smiled up at the companion. "Ya know, I think they'll be back someday. Maybe not ta stay, but they'll be back."

"I hope so, Kaylee."

"I wonder what we'll all be like then." Kaylee sighed. "How much do you think will have changed? Do ya think we'll all be as close as we are now?"

Inara refused to look at the mechanic and quickened her step. "Maybe."

"'Nara, now I don't know much in the way a readin' people's body language an' all, but I can tell yer more bothered by this than ya should be," Kaylee prodded, "now either ya come out an' tell me what it ia that's gotcha so worked up 'er ya stew in it an' let it get worse!"

Inara sighed defeatedly. "I feel...left out. When I came back, I never expected to see everyone so at ease with one another. I expected change, of course, but not to this extent. Simon and Mal re practically best friends, Simon isn't even half as uptight as he used to be, you're happier than I've ever seen you, and Zoe is just fine after what happened with Wash. Not completely fine, I'm sure, but content. I just don't-I don't feel I have any place here with you anymore."

Kaylee shook her head emphatically. "No, 'Nara, we're all happy yer here. Yer important to us; always have been. Things have changed, jus' you wasn't here to change along with us, but you will."

"I doubt it will be a good thing."

Kaylee smiled and hugged an arm around the companion. "That's the thing 'bout change. Don't seem like it's good at the time, but it's really the best thing that can happen to ya."

"But River and Jayne. Didn't they change, too?"

"Oh, sure, but I think the rest of the changin' had to occur somewheres else. They was the ones what needed the most change. They changed an awful lost, but you could see that more was needed."

Inara raised an eyebrow. "How so? I didn't really notice all that much."

"Well, what with Miranda happening an' all, River wasn't needing her medication so much. Things started makin' sense to her again an' I guess she jus' felt like she wasn't what she shoulda been. Kept to herself most a the time, but when she was 'round she was awful quiet like she was thinkin' on stuff. Jayne was kinda like that, too, was awful quiet, kept lookin' at us like he was tryin' ta figure out why we was all different an' he was stuck. He didn't drink so much an' he didn't go out for trim as much neither. That's when we all started ta really notice how him an' River was really stuck. Sometimes, they'd be sittin' in the common room readin' 'er cleanin' guns an' they'd jus' stare at each other in this creepy way like they was talkin', but weren't usin' no words. Guess they was feelin' like the odd man out the way you are, but more so. Then once they figured it out, they decided ta leave. They'll be back," Kaylee said the last with confidence, "family ain't never separated for too long."

* * *

A/N: Jayne and River will not stay together. I'm rolling around some alternative directions for this to go in, but I haven't settled quite on how to go about them. Still, reunions will take place within either the next chapter or the one after that. Please review.


	3. Poetry Readings

**I own nothing.**

* * *

River rolled on her top bunk and sighed. The silence was entirely to opressive. She hated silence now that Jayne was gone. There was no one to read with her-though they never read together; they were just in the same room together-no one to play cards with, and no one to play practical jokes on. The crew, had begun to see her as an equal, although they still sent her longing looks when they thought she wasn't paying attention and Monty was attempting to fill Mal's position as her surrogate father. She could have two maybe. Mal wouldn't mind. Especially if it was Monty.

River pulled out the small stack of letters and frowned. They just weren't enough. How did Jayne do it? How had he lived so long without anyone caring about him? Only getting letters from home once every few months? It was heartbreaking. River sent him a letter every week along with letters to everyone on Serenity every month. Jayne's letters in reply were few and far between and revolved around almost nothing. Even after he'd joined up with another crew they seemed lacking. The first one was her favorite only because it had been simple and straight to the point. None of the talking in circles he was doing now.

_"Been thinkin' on ya, River. I miss ya." _That was all it had said and he'd simply signed his name. He didn't write to anyone on Serenity. She knew because Kaylee was always asking her in letters if he was okay. She felt special, important knowing he wrote only to her. However, the lack of personal information he sent her was staggering. He wasn't who he had been when they had bunked together. It needed to be fixed. Remembering how happy he'd been when she'd finally allowed him to read her book of "sex poems" and then had let him keep it, River decided the best way to get him to stop acting like an idiot was to send him one and she knew the perfect one. She would be taking a rather large risk in sending this. Though she hadn't been particularly open with him, she hadn't been entirely closed off either. This was the only matter on which River was unsure of Jayne's reaction and there was really no way in which to go about it delicately. Ignoring the blush, that crept up into her cheeks, she began to carefully pen him a very important letter.

* * *

Jayne liked getting mail from River. Sometimes, he got mail from Kaylee or even Mal, but he looked forward to River's the most. Sometimes, they were filled with crazy gibberish because she was so excited to tell him about something that had happened that she became practically incoherent, but he liked them. They were fun to decipher and laugh at when he realized it had to do with some bar brawl where she punched some hundan or spit in a purplebelly's face. He never read the letters out loud to his new crew mates. It wasn't because they wouldn't understand the possible gibberish it contained. No, it was because they were private. Sometimes he heard the crew theorizing as to who he got so much post from. When one of them had said they knew it was from a girl because it had a girly scent to it, they'd all decided it was some girl he'd left on some rim planet who was madly in love with him. He liked keeping them guessing almost as much as he liked the idea of River being in love with him. If any girl were to ever fall in love with him, he'd want it to be her. She was the kind of girl a man would want to keep around. She knew a little bit about everything, which was handy and she knew him better than anybody. He also wanted it to be her because he was a little bit more than in love with her.

They'd bunked together for nearly three months and River had changed a lot in that time. She'd been happier, smiled a lot and then she'd started getting really girly. It was slow coming at first. First, she had started wearing different clothes. They'd been tighter. That had been eye opening for him. He saw curves on her he didn't know existed, but it hadn't been enough to get him to think on her that way. It was just one of those things where he noticed she was a lot more feminine than he'd ever thought. Then, Inara had sent her some make up. River had turned her nose up at it for a while until she finally gave in and started playing with it. After a while, she started wearing some of it and she looked good. It wasn't a lot, just a little bit, but it was another change that Jayne caught on to. Up until that point, he'd classified her as a friend. Then it had gone so far as to being his best friend as they talked about everything together-or they didn't talk at all and that was okay. It was comfortable. River would read and he would read. Or, she would read and he would play his guitar. They had "shower conferences", showering in the stalls next to each other where they'd discuss how Monty's plans were a lot less dangerous than Mal's, but still as stupid and how the mechanic, George, shouldn't be allowed to double as cook as he always either over-cooked or under-cooked the food. Sometimes, River would sing "Hero of Canton" and he'd have to throw his soap at her over the wall separating them to make her shut up even though it never worked.

When he left, the silence was too much. It was uncomfortable. There was no one to pick up on his foul moods, to make him laugh with dirty jokes that even made him blush, or pull pranks on him when he was least expecting it. It was during these lonely, awkward silences that he would think about her and that whispering that had always been in the back of his mind would come to the fore-front and scream at him. It only took that first week being on Verbena for him to figure out what he had been trying to find and why that voice screamed into the silence. But he kept it to himself. River didn't need a man like him mucking up her life when she was trying to find happiness.

Jayne dropped down into his bunk, ignoring the curious looks from his crew mates-who were all nothing more than a bunch of grimy, disgusting, piss-ants in his opinion and collapsed on his bed. Tearing open the letter, he breathed out heavily.

_Dear Jayne,_

_When thinking of you, I remembered the perfect poem. It is not word for word as I have tweaked it to better represent the both of us. I hope you like it._

_**Your Guitar: To Jayne**_

_From Ariel to Miranda on: --Take  
This slave of music, for the sake  
Of her, who is the slave of thee;  
And teach it all the harmony  
In which thou canst, and only thou,  
Make the delighted spirit glow,  
Till joy denies itself again,  
And, too intense, is turned to pain;  
For by permission and command  
Of thine own heart thou must understand,  
Poor Ariel sends this silent token  
Of love that never can be spoken;  
Your guardian spirit, Ariel, who  
From life to life must still pursue  
Your happiness,-for thus alone  
Can Ariel ever find her own.  
To Prospero's enchanted cell,  
As the mighty 'verse tell,  
From the Throne of Reynolds thee  
Lit you o'er the trackless sea,  
Flitting on your prow before,  
Like a living meteor.  
When you die, the silent Moon,  
In her interlunar swoon,  
Is not sadder in her cell,  
Than deserted Ariel._

_Many changes have been run,  
Since Ferdinand and you begun  
Your course of love, and Ariel still  
Has tracked your steps and served your will.  
Now, in humbler, happier lot,  
This is all remembered not;  
And now, alas! the poor sprite is  
In a body like a grave.-  
From you, she only dares to crave  
For her service and her sorrow,  
A smile to-day, a song to-morrow._

_The artist who your idol wrought  
To echo all our harmonious thought,  
Felled a tree, while on a steep  
The woods were in their winter sleep,  
Rocked in that repose divine  
On the wind-swept Apennine;  
And dreaming, some of autumn past,  
And some of spring approaching fast,  
And some of April birds and showers,  
And some of songs in July bowers,  
And all of love,-and so your tree-  
O that such our death may be!-  
Died in sleep, and felt no pain,  
To live in happier form again,  
From which, beneath Heaven's fairest star,  
The artist wrought your lov'd guitar,  
And taught it justly to reply  
To all who question skilfully,  
In language gentle as thine own;  
Whispering in enamoured tone  
Sweet oracles of woods and dells  
And summer winds in sylvan cells;  
For it had learned all harmonies  
O the plains and of the skies,  
Of the forests and the mountains,  
And the many-voicéd fountains,  
The clearest echoes of the hills,  
The softest notes of falling rills,  
The melodies of birds and bees,  
The murmuring of summer seas,  
And pattering of rain and breathing dew,  
And airs of evening; and it knew  
The seldom-heard mysterious sound,  
Which driven on its diurnal round  
As it floats through boundless day,  
Our worlds enkindle on their way-_

_All this it knows, but will not tell  
To those who cannot question well  
The spirit that inhabits it:  
It talks according to the wit  
Of its companions, and no more  
Is heard than felt before  
By those who tempt it to betray  
These secrets of an elder day:  
But, sweetly as its answers will  
Flatter hands of perfect skill,  
It keeps its highest, holiest tone  
For thy belovéd Jayne alone._

_I miss you terribly and think of you often. I don't like feeling the silence when it is not yours. If we are ever in the same port, I'd like to see you. Please say you miss me just as much. _

_Love,_

_River Marie Tam_

Jayne let out all his breath in one whoosh. The poem had been very unexpected, but the message had been fairly clear; he most definitely would not be mucking up her life as she very much wanted him in it. Jayne debated for several moments on whether or not he should respond in kind; finally giving in to the voice in his head, which practically screamed with joy. Jayne rummaged through the volumes of poetry he had picked up until he found the book he had been looking for. Instead of purchasing untold amounts of trim, he now spent much of his cut on books. He was surprised by how much he understood in them. The words were flowery, but the meanings were clear and he understood why people liked it so much (he being one of them now). It just sounded nicer. They would be dirtside for a while longer. He had time to write something back and mail it right quick.

* * *

River hadn't expected to run into the crew of Serenity the next time Monty and the rest of the crew of Prospero stopped by the Skyplex. Even though she was happy to see them, all she really wanted was her letter from Jayne. It had been five months since she had sent him that first poem and he had sent her an equally ardent one back. And while not all the poems were centered around their unexpected feelings for one another, they were just as personal in their own way. River had sent him one about a purple cow when he had mentioned at the end of one of his letters that they were transporting cattle and he had followed it up with a dirty limerick, to which she supplied a dirtier one she had heard from a new crew mate who had decided it would be a good opener when trying to get her to flirt with him. It hadn't been, but the limerick had been too good not to send to Jayne. Today she would get her reply poem.

River ripped the envelope open and her former Captain raised an eyebrow. "There gold in there or something?"

"Letter from Jayne," she replied, adding without thought, "a poem."

"A poem? From Jayne? Let's hear it."

River looked down at the letter and her face flushed red. "Um, I'd rather not read it aloud." She stuttered, flustered, and trying hard not to laugh, "I'd rather not read it at all."

"Why?" Mal asked as everyone urged her to read it. River sighed, "Fine, but I warned you."

She took a deep breath and reddened further. "To my dear Ariel," she began, ignoring the questioning looks she received, "boys will be boys and he is just a boy. He's also a niu shun xi kuai de la shi hun dan. This won't be the last time this sort of thing happens to you, River. Boys like him are a dime a dozen and I'm surprised he didn't try anything more than talking dirty to you. If you are having trouble understanding, the following verses will help:

the boys i mean are not refined  
they go with girls who buck and bite  
they do not give a fuck for luck  
they hump them thirteen times a night

one hangs a hat upon her tit  
one carves a cross on her behind  
they do not give a shit for wit  
the boys i mean are not refined

they come with girls who bite and buck  
who cannot read and cannot write  
who laugh like they would fall apart  
and masturbate with dynamite

the boys i mean are not refined  
they cannot chat of that and this  
they do not give a fart for art  
they kill like you would take a piss

they speak whatever's on their mind  
they do whatever's in their pants  
the boys i mean are not refined  
they shake the mountains when they dance."

River heard Simon cough to try to smother a laugh while Inara inhaled sharply and Monty roared with laughter. Mal himself was convulsing in his own attempts to quell his amusement. "There anymore fancy poems in there?"

"Yes, but I refuse to read that one to you," River said, turning up her nose. She ignored their dismayed shouts and finished her letter in silence. River read the last few lines with a frown. The ship Jayne was crewing on, Ferdinand (a stupid name for a ship they both thought), wasn't going to be docking on any of the planets the Prospero was. Inara subtly moved behind River, who was too involved in her letter to notice and quickly scanned her eyes over the last few lines before moving back to where she had been previously standing. River sighed and tucked the letter back into the envelope.

"You been doin' yer own hair an all," Kaylee asked her. River nodded and Kaylee smiled. "Well, it looks awful shiny."

"You look very pretty indeed, River," Mal said with a proud smile. River smiled back and hugged him. "I miss you guys."

Mal patted her shoulder awkwardly. Inara asked hopefully, "Does that mean you'll be coming back any time soon?"

River shook her head. "Being on my own isn't exactly what I thought it would be, but I rather like it. I'm not so alone and things are going rather nicely."

"Why do you miss them so much?"

"River, how can you ask that? We were all so close once." Inara pushed down the hurt she felt in her chest. "It's only natural that I would miss you and Jayne."

"I wasn't talking about me," River replied cryptically, turning to talk with Kaylee and Zoe. Inara stared at River's back for a long while, trying to understand until Simon addressed her. "Are you okay, Inara?"

"I-I'm fine," she assured him, "Just thinking some things over."

"Who would have thought that your sister an' my ex-mercenary would become pen pals," Mal laughed as he and Simon watched Kaylee and River talk Monty into eating an ice planet. He was just as bad at it as River was, his beard sticky with ice cream as it bounced into his face. Simon smiled as he watched his sister and his girlfriend laugh at Monty, who was becoming more and more agitated. "Yes, I must say I'm quite surprised, but only because I never expected him to ever write back. He never writes to any of us. However, I'm glad they're keeping in touch. River's never had many friends and since Monty is really the only crew member she has gotten even remotely close to, it's good to know she has someone to talk to. Even if it is through letters."

"She sure is different," Mal mused, "makes you wonder what Jayne's like now."

"You think he's still out whoring and getting into fights," Zoe asked as she joined them. Mal shrugged. "Who knows. I suppose we could ask River, but I doubt he tells her 'bout all his...exploits. An' Lord knows that girl would not want to hear about them as nobody ever does."

"I highly doubt he's whoring," Inara put in, watching River with a keen eye, "I'd bet out of all of us, those two have changed the most."

"Don't mean he's stopped whoring," Mal snorted, "that man whores across the 'verse like each an' every haul is about to be his last. Ain't no way he could give it up in the span of ten months time."

Inara shrugged. "People change, Mal."

Mal raised an eyebrow. "You don't."

Inara bristled. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Yer still second guessin' me, you still think act as though yer above me when you ain't. An' not once have you actually been honest 'bout anything. Yer still hidin'. You've always hid from the folks around you." He sighed. "I don't want to get into this, Inara. I know fer fact you been off, what with all the things that have changed. I just think that instead of trying to ignore it, you oughta embrace it."

Inara glared at him. "And just how do I go about doing that?"

"Find somethin' worth changin' for," he said with an unusually kind smile, "makes it a whole lot easier."

Mal turned back to look at River and Kaylee and Inara followed suit. Everyone seemed to have everything worked out except her. How did they do it? Find what would help her change?

Monty's iceplanet smacked him in the face hard and River and Kaylee cried with laughter, causing him to hurl it at them. They squealed and jumped away. River threw her back at him and stuck out her tongue. It had been ten months since River's departure from Serenity and yet her bonds were stronger with the others than Inara's. How did she do it? Companion training was clearly not enough in this situation. Or was it because her life wasn't as glamorous as it had once been to them that they weren't fussing over her as much as they had and that was why she felt left out? Mal had stopped fighting her. But he still cared, didn't he? Inara rolled her eyes at herself and shook her head. She really needed to stop focusing on it, stop trying to force things to make sense and let things happen naturally. Yet Inara was used to being able to manipulate things; it was part of her companion training-the ability to manipulate a situations and the people around her to her benefit. Maybe she was losing her touch. That had to be it. Perhaps, she needed to return to Sihnon...or she merely needed someone to test her skills on. Too bad the only crew member susceptible to her charms wasn't present. She could try Mal, but ever since Saffron, he caught on quickly to the implementation of feminine wiles. And if Jayne really had changed the way she thought, he wouldn't be easy either. Maybe that was the point. He would be perfect. He would be both resistant and pliant. Where was an over crude, sex-obsessed man when you needed one? There was really nothing she could do to see if her skill had dulled any. And her clients never complained. It was always quite the opposite. So, was it really her training that needed honing or her social skills when not in a working setting?

That was when it hit her. Nowadays, she was always working. Her companion charm was always turned on and never did she confide in anyone. They weren't shutting her out on purpose. They genuinely believed she didn't want to confide in them, become closer to them. She was holding them at arm's length like she did all her clients. This needed to change. Now, she only needed how to figure out how to let her guard down without feeling completely out of control of the situation.

* * *

A/N: Okay, the poems in this are actual poems. The first is entitled "With a Guitar: To Jane" by Percy Bysshe Shelley. And yes, that is the actual first line of the poem. The rest I tweaked some to fit better as it was a poem Shelley wrote to a woman named Jane. The second poem is "the boys i mean are not refined" by e.e. cummings. Sorry this one was so long. Well, it was long in my opinion. The crew will reunite again shortly. The whole thing with focusing on Inara. She is the one character on Firefly that always seemed to act the same. She was always in "companion mode" and the only real outlet she seemed to have to act how she would if she weren't a companion was when fighting with Mal. Now that Mal is more laid back (in this story), she has no outlet and thus feels lost. Now she is always in "companion mode" and has no way to be herself. Also, she doesn't really remember how to conduct herself in anyway other than as a companion and so she is struggling to understand how to. That's why I've focused so much on her now and will continue to do so in future chapters although this is a Rayne fic. The actual Rayne, complete with smut for all you smut lovers (i love it too...), will not be for a couple chapters or so. stick with it.

_niu shun xi kuai de la shi hun dan: cow-sucking piece of shit bastard_

Please review.


	4. Making Sense of it All

**I own nothing.**

* * *

River sat quietly next to Monty in one of the empty bunks next to the bridge. It had been converted into a meeting room that was also used for weapons storage. Since joining up with Monty on the Prospero, River had quickly secured her position as first mate when the original, along with half the crew, had tried to backstab Monty. River was quick to dispose of them and the decision to make River first mate had been unanimous. Although Monty was indeed, like Mal was on Serenity, the controlling power on the Prospero, the rest of the crew had agreed enthusiastically as River was known for being the most sound minded when it came to work and the running of a ship and its crew. They both sat at a large metal table bolted to the floor next to the many racks of guns and explosives as they carefully charted a course that would save them the most time and fuel.

"I don't understand why we have to set down on Ita," River said in a neutral voice, "I'm sure it would be better to get the part brand new."

"I ain't gonna argue on that, but we ain't got the funds, seein' as how we've had so many crewmembers laid up," he replied, giving her a pointed look. River huffed, "How is it my fault that they all believe 'no' means 'yes'? You hit them, too."

"Yeah, yeah," Monty muttered, waving her off, "guess I should be grateful that ya ain't hit George yet."

"George is still in love with his ex-wife and he is not my type," River explained, as she unfurled one of the navigation charts, "and I'm sure my reaction to their...invasive behavior was much less violent than others."

"Yeah, I bet Jayne wouldn'ta let 'em keep breathin'," Monty said slowly, grinning when River tried to hide her blush by focusing more doggedly on her charts. "Girl, why're you still here? I'm not sayin' I ain't happy ta have ya, but-"

"Discussing matters of mutual attraction through written correspondance is time consuming and many of the things we would like to converse about have yet to come up," she said primly, "besides, Jayne is not known for monogamous relationships, but for his lack thereof."

"Well, if we go to Ita ta get that part, maybe we can find some parts might be worth somethin' somewhere else," Monty said, changing the subject. River relaxed, "Yes, I'm sure we'll find somehting."

Monty patted her shoulder, "You've always been good at that." He jerked his head in the direction of the charts. "Yer better at this than me, you figure it out."

"Yes, Sir."

River watched him stand and leave the room before she let out a long sigh and kicked her legs up on the table, wrinkling the charts slightly. Seeing as they were all faded and ripped in places, she doubted a few wrinkles would seriously hurt them. Thinking on Jayne and how far apart they were from one another always tended to frustrate and annoy her. Yet whenever she got up the nerve to ask herself if maybe it was wrong of them to keep up whatever it was they were going with, her stomach would drop and twist painfully just like her heart and she wondered if Jayne felt the same way. She couldn't help but wonder most of all, if he really had changed as much as she hoped.

River let out another sigh and leaned forward to finish charting the course. It only took another twenty minutes and she quickly left the room and stepped onto the bridge. The new pilot, Mickey, was seated at the control panel playing with a Rubik's cube and whistling jauntily. He looked up at her from under his shaggy blond hair and grinned. "Hey, there, Riv! So, got everything ironed out with the Cap?"

River smiled and nodded. Mickey was only two years younger than herself and the two got along famously. With him around, things were always exciting. They played games, watched vids and chatted with other young spacers on the cortex. Monty had taken to calling them the twins, as where one went, the other went. River plopped down in the copilot's seat as Mickey set down the Rubik's cube and took the coordinates she'd copied down. His green eyes flicked over them quickly before he raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "Ita? We're still going to Ita?"

River nodded and Mickey slumped back in his chair. "Wouldn't it just be best to buy the part brand new?"

"Monty says we're low on funds," she huffed, "I know we're not, but...Captain's orders. Thinks we might find something useful. Also, it would be nice to pick up some spare parts in case of emergency. That way, if anything breaks, we'll have something to use for a quick fix."

"Need to get us some better cortexes," Mickey said, smacking the fuzzy cortex screen to clear the picture, "these are sorely outta date. Don't look good for us to be WAVEing people and not being able to hear or see them."

"Yes, we end up looking incompetent," River agreed, staring out into the black as she twirled her hair around her fingers, "not to mention George is about to have an aneurysm over how often the environmental controls break every other week."

"Ship needs a massive overhaul," Mickey grunted as he flipped off the cortex, "Nav Sat's been on the fritz...God, a month on Ita."

"I know."

"You know, I'm happy we're getting the ship in working order, but," Mickey waved his hands around in exasperation, "it's Ita Moon! Nothing but salvage heaps for miles and to break that up, they stick in a whorehouse or two and a bunch of crappy bars. No restaurants, no nothin'! Not even a decent open market!"

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm staying on the ship," River said, pulling her knees up under her chin, "spending time around rancid drunkards is in no way appealing. I'd much rather spend my time doing manual labor."

"Yeah, but what if Monty gets us a job?"

"Well, then it'll take place on Ita because he said Prospero is to stay docked for the duration. All pertinent repairs are to be made within the alotted time."

"I think every repair this ship needs is pertinent."

"I concur."

Mickey quickly set the coordinates and picked his Rubik's cube up. "So, that hot mechanic from Serenity send you anymore captures yet?"

River punched his arm. "That hot mechanic is dating my brother, and no, not yet. I did send a WAVE last night informing them we might be on Ita for a lengthy amount of time, so I might get one soon."

"You know, you still haven't told any of us why you left," he said softly, concentrating extra hard on his Rubik's cube, "or why you didn't go with Jayne."

"I just..." She flopped back in the seat and let her legs slide down and away from her chest as she huffed out a long sigh. "I'm not sure. I just felt I needed to be on my own. No one to take care of me, hurt me...do anything to me or for me. I thought it was just about self-sufficiency, but now that I've found that...Well, there has to be more..."

"Told Jayne any of this? I mean, you know, that you're gonna make him wait around for you?"

River sat up and blinked at her friend. "I'm not making him wait for anything!"

Mickey let out a bark of laughter, "Bullshit, Riv, I know exactly what you're doing!"

She raised an eyebrow in question at him and his expression sobered slightly. "You're waiting for the other shoe to drop." He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Seen a lot of people do it. Something good comes along, real good, and people don't take it for what it is because they've been let down so many times. They let it slip away and even though they think they're protecting themselves, they miss out on the chance to be a part of something amazing. Say, you tell Jayne 'Sayonara', well then you don't have to put up with him possibly cheating on you or leaving you. And that's it! It's a possibility. You don't know if he's ever gonna do it. He may, he may not, but the only way you're gonna know is if you actually try for it."

"So you admit there's a chance he'll do something bad?" River felt herself wilt slightly. Jayne had changed just as much as she had, but...

Mickey shook his head. "A man like Jayne doesn't go around writing four page letters to some girl giving him mixed signals just because he feels like it. There's some real feelings in there; love. I'm sure he's even said so or close to it, but honestly, if he were in it for sex only, it'd be way too much effort and too long of a wait."

River nodded slowly and bit her lip.

* * *

Jayne groaned inwardly as he reached the mess. She was there. Their newly hired cook, Giana, was there. For the past month, Jayne had had to put up with Giana trying every which way she could to subtly and not so subtly work her way into his bed and it was getting quite ridiculous. Because of her advances, Jayne spent most of his time in his bunk, pacing back and forth. She was everywhere, hovering at crew meetings, in passageways by crew bunks. When he got shot, she wanted to play nurse. It irked him that he was constantly on the lookout and it was getting so the slightest thing spooked him. If someone called his name, he flinched, fearing that she would hear and come running his way. Nine times out of ten, she did.

Jayne scooped an extra large helping of protein onto a plate and started for the door when the Captain called out, "Hey, you gotta a WAVE earlier from someone."

Jayne turned slowly and frowned. "Who?"

"Uh, some funny pilot on some ship called the Prospero said he had a message for you from the first mate."

Jayne nodded and turned back around. "Thanks, Cap."

He hurried to the bridge, taking big mouthfuls of food as he went. Once on the bridge, he settled down in the co-pilot's chair, ignoring the pilot's curious stare. "Thought I was taking dinner shift?"

"Naw, I'll take it. Got a call ta make," Jayne answered back as he WAVEd the Prospero. The pilot grunted and tromped off toward the mess. A boy with floppy blond hair answered the WAVE, giving a toothy grin. "Greetings fellow Spacer! You've reached the Prospero, the ship to call on to meet all your smuggling needs! How may I direct your WAVE?"

"Mickey," Monty hollored from far off and the boy winced. Jayne rolled his eyes. "You must be the funny pilot."

"Yessir."

"Well, I got a message that yer first mate wanted a word with me-"

"Oh," the pilot exclaimed as his eyes widened with recognition, "you must be Jayne."

"Yeah..."

The boy grinned. "Yeah, our first mate sure does wanna talk to you. More'n talk to ya, I'd say."

Jayne was about to ask him what in the hell he was going on about when he turned away and screamed as loud as possible, "River! Your boyfriend WAVEd back and he wants to talk to you!"

"Mickey!" River screeched in a mortified voice from far off.

"What?!"

Two hands filled the screen as Mickey the pilot was shoved out of the way by a redfaced River. "Sorry about that, Jayne. Mickey is a little bit...mentally unstable."

"Takes one to know one," the boy muttered from off screen before adding loudly, "nice meeting you, Jayne!"

River darted an exasperated glare over her shoulder before smiling at him again and saying shyly, "Um, hi."

Jayne couldn't help but grin. "Hey."

River let out a nervous giggle and averted her gaze. "In a day or so we land on Ita Moon and we will be docked there for over a month."

"Ita," Jayne repeated, frowning, "not sure if we're going that way 'er not."

He spooned another mouthful of protein into his mouth and chewed slowly, thinking. There was no way he could get the Captain to drop down there. The Captain had a thing for Giana and because Giana had a thing for him, he was most usually up shit creek without a paddle. "I can't make any promises, Riv, but I'll try to see if I can't get the Captain to swing that way."

She brightened, smiling broadly. "You'd do that?"

"Hell, yeah! Ain't seen you in months."

She blushed again. "Thank you, Jayne."

He shrugged and smiled at her. "So what's this about you bein' first mate now?"

"There was mutiny amongst several crewmembers stemming from Monty's continually defending my honor and my tendencies to break their arms whenever an unsolicited sexual overture was directed at me." River sighed, "They did not learn their lesson from you Jayne. They were very dumb."

"You kill 'em," he asked heatedly, "'cause if not, I'm gonna!"

"Captain Monty wouldn't let me," she said with a shake of her head. Jayne huffed. "Why not?"

"He said a being a hired gun with two broken arms was punishment enough."

Jayne nodded shortly. "I suppose that's true."

River fiddled with something offscreen. "So, how are things?"

"They're alright, I guess," Jayne shifted in his chair, setting his empty plate aside. "Riv..."

River looked up at him under her eyelashes and they simply stared at each other. The silence that stretched on between them was heavy, thick. River bit her lip and looked away. Jayne swallowed down the lump in his throat and said in a hesitant voice, "you know, all you gotta do is ask an' I'll...s'all you gotta do, girl."

He saw her nod and she cleared her throat. "I miss you," she said, suddenly as if she was forcing herself to say something she hadn't been able to say before. "I found what I wanted out of myself, but it left with you."

Her face scrunched up at her words. "I'm sorry, that makes no sense."

"Makes sense, River," Jayne replied. He felt hoarse all of the sudden. "It makes sense jus' fine."

* * *

A/N: Hazzah! I have returned bearing Rayne-y goodness for all! Like what happened with "Twenty-Four" when my computer decided to push up some binary daisies, it took a bit of "Feel the Silence" with it. It was a serious tragedy. Honestly, there were tears and lots of 'em. Of course the tears only came after I realized I couldn't revive my computer. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to salvage the chapters of my other fics. All I have to say is my flash drive is now my new best friend.


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